What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 03:07
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
All the time i was locked up.
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Comes on , in middle age.
So whats the point in blame.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why do I sweat between my legs all the time, top off my legs, all way down?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One cannot live in the past .
What are the most outrageous violations of restaurant buffet etiquette have you seen?
I never cut or harmed myself..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Have you been arrested or investigated?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She was in good health!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Why are white women dating more black guys than ever?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But it wasn’t much.
And i lived it daily.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was 9 years of age.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
This is soul school!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My family never makes their pension either.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I said to her
He resisted the act ,that day.
We all went to grammer schools
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She married twice! .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Put me off passion for life!!
I was scared of men, in general
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She loved him until the end.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He knew the spot.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I don,t even have a pension.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My life is so biszare .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
What did i know ?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im still living with it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was very sick at this time too.
Ive learnt so much.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
On the 31st of Jan this month .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I think the readers, may guess!
I was seconnd youngest,
But ive been too sick for many years..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Would this be the day?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I waited trembling.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Who then, do I blame.?
I will be 64.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I have no regrets .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But, we were locked up after school.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I write beautiful poetry .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She wouldn,t have been !
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So, i spoilt her more .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
It was going to be , some day.
She found it foreign!.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
(And it was in our own minds.)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We were not on the streets..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I could never make a relationship work though!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
When she asked me how she looked .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!